If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
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Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.