if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
You Might Also Like
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Not messing around
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick