If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
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Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
bury ourselves
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
BETRAYAL
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.