If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
You Might Also Like
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Never be a pizza!
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
(by @ZachWeiner )
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?