If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
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dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
classic mixup
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”