If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
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her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses