If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
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Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.