If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
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Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.