Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
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I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.