If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
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You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.