When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
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Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
⛄️
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person