If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
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KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?