If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
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I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”