SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
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80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
Great game to play with friends
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same