If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
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Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!