If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
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“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.