The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
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Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
finally
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*