Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
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Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.