judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
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Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
cat vs inanimate object
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
when u come home smelling like another dog
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right