If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
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I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod