If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
You Might Also Like
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…