@WoodyLuvsCoffee: If there's a "Mr." in front of your cat's name you're going to die alone.
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@peachesanscream: Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
@DVSblast: NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE "NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES". KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
@kwirkyKerri: I darkened my hair and now people expect me to be smart too. It's exhausting. Send bleach.
@KeetPotato: [valentine's day] gf: [reading my txt] "keith just said he's going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight" her friend: "oh wow" [later watching shrek 2] me: "you look disappointed"