@realHamOnWry: If there's a sock on my doorknob it means I'm having sex with the other one.
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@joshgondelman: I'd have more sympathy for Sony's alleged loss of $200 million if that weren't the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
@slimmy_shady: My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
@sixfootcandy: [family brunch] Sister: We'd love you to be our daughter's godmother. Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.