movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
You Might Also Like
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
📽️movie date🎞️
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁