@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
You Might Also Like
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.
Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?