If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
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By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
☠️☠️☠️
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes