@WoodyLuvsCoffee: If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
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@TheKegKiller: Me: You can't arrest me. I have to run a marathon today. Cop: Stop playing the race card.
@kelkulus: Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
@theNuzzy: After my tweet conversation with you, I delete everything I wrote so you look like a crazy stalker.
@thatUPSdude: Honey I'm home from Costco. "You didn't buy anything stupid this time?" [looks outside at kayak strapped to roof rack] Define stupid?