If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
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Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
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