If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
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some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla