If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
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me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.