If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
You Might Also Like
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
next level snooze
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.