If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
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Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
why no one uses midhusbands
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain