@khook32: If this cat doesn't stop trying to lick my plate, we're having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.
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@NinjaFuneral: Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
@dru0887: When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
@BadJordon: Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
@myonlymizztake: Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.