*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
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the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
What about a To-Don’t List?
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.