*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
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I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
absolutely not
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you