Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
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[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”