If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
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“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.