@fuzzlime: If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
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@SamGrittner: *opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes* "Wait. Then that means-" [cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
@MinionTrainer: Noticed lots of older people reading the bible. It's like they are cramming for their final exam.
@jonnysun: i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was "cool. that bird makes more money than me"