let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
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How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.