@fuzzlime: If tomatoes are a fruit, then ketchup is a smoothie.
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@3sunzzz: [aquarium] *penguin strapped on my back* Ma'am, is that a penguin on your back? No, it's just a backpack. Oh, WHAT'S IN IT?! um, fish
@girlontapas: I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
@13spencer: Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn't think he knew the word "no."
@XplodingUnicorn: I was working in the yard. Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake. I hit it with a shovel. I'm happy to report the garden hose is dead