Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
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Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
pat pat
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
being a writer on Twitter:
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood