If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
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What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Ion see the issue
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work