If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
You Might Also Like
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.