Tony Hawk, age 6
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Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?