when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
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Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
The best plant holders?
Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…
Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?