if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
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Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
i hate you platonically
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..