@TheDreamGhoul: if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it's the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
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@GrantTanaka: *daughter reading *son playing ipod *dog sleeping *house quiet *I go take a dump FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG'S ON FIRE
@howe007: I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic".
@DiscoCanadian: [I emerge from the bushes covered in blood] Director: CUT! For the last time I said mud! Where do you keep getting all this blood from?
@SortaBad: Superman: I'm faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive- Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
@ambamthankyamam: Hey people that twitter says are "similar to me", where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
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