if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
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Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?