if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
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Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Meow
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors