Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
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“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold