If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
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Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly