If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
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Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Planet of the Apps.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.