When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
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jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Every damn time
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
My safe word is Worcestershire
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me