@markleggett: If vampires like the taste of blood so much they should floss.
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@SveldtSmelt: Talking to women is a lot like origami. I don't know where to start and I always end up screaming.
@deelizabeth_: Biden: So I got a bunch of balloons and when he gets here-- Obama: Joe, please Biden: --we're gonna rub them on his hair & see what happens
@LurkAtHomeMom: Me: *checking into maternity ward* Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep? Nurse: Ma'am, this child is seven.