*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
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I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Worlds greatest photobomb
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.