If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
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Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?