If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
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I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”